How I’ve missed the rituals at the end of 2020

I’ve missed it. There are not doubts about it. I’ve missed going back to France to celebrate Christmas with my family.

As humans being, we tend to be attached to celebrations, rituals, routine. It comforts us, it secures us. And this is true.

I’ve counted. I’m 36 years old and I only missed 3 Christmas celebrations with my family including the 2020. One because I was working as a teenager to get my diploma for my BAFA (diploma to allow you to work with kids in summer camps or after school in France) and one because I was seriously sick and could not travel back to France.

This year, 2020, I felt that my freedom was taken by someone else. During weeks, I’ve tried to figure out how I could plan to go back to France in the safest way possible…by car, by train, by flight.

1000 km by car was just not an option and traveling by train or flight was not the safest way to do during this pandemic.

So, I had to resign myself: this year, Christmas would be at home in Amsterdam with my partner. Not so bad, when you take some perspective as I guess some people had to celebrate it alone. But I was mad, I was furious, and I felt a lot of anger.

And then, I decided to not try to reproduce the Christmas that I would expect: a big Christmas tree in my parent’s living room with the lights shining everywhere around, delicious food prepared with love by my dad, homemade and recycled decoration created by my sister, the pleasure to wake up the 25th enjoying a nice breakfast in pyjama awaiting for everyone to open the presents…That are my rituals.

So instead, I decided to have a tiny small Christmas tree that I could keep (hopefully) for the next years and re pot, prepare a simple but still good Christmas dinner and lunch, not staying in pyjama the 25th morning but be ready for the Zoom call with my family.

The 24th morning, I felt emotional. Because in some way I was still trying to copy paste the experience that I would have normally. I was trying to find the same products that I would eat in French, on the Dutch market. I did not succeed. So, I got mad. I felt bad and spoiled to be honest when my partner told me “Is it the Christmas spirit that you want to bring into this day? No, but seriously Estelle, look at your the attitude”

It was like a bomb in my face…because he was right. I hated my reaction. I felt spoiled. I had to take a step back and change perspective and this how Mindfulness helped me. Take a pause, breathe and change the vision that you have in front of you.

Because at the end, we were all healthy, we would still spend a good time to 2 of us that would probably never happen in normal time and we would enjoy good food and still connecting with our respective family by video call.

So, yes I’ve missed my end of the year rituals, but I grew up significantly during the last Christmas.

I’ve just changed my glasses and how I was perceiving the world. Thank you beautiful Mindfulness practice!